Wednesday, January 31, 2007

24 days to go...

The days pass quickly. Only 24 days to go until I turn 50.

Here in Jakarta where I am visiting, each day has been intense from morning to night. Work and friendship. I feel lucky.

Today my work was about introducing the concept of diagnostic analysis to three organizations, to improve their abilities and performance. I devoted all my energy to it during the day, and worked together with my colleagues.


It was wonderful to hear that people experienced it like a paradigm shift, and to see many people interested and making steps to adopt it.

I’ve been thinking a lot of about change myself, and that’s what this blog is about. I always thought that change was the result of reflection, awareness, and decision-making.


This evening, however, I realized that change follows from taking action. Lots of thinking can lead up to change, but actual change is produced by action.

Gaining a better attitude starts with adopting better behaviors, and behavior is triggered by taking action. I found out that taking action allows me to try out a new attitude until it becomes mine.

Photograph: Intensity, by Osho Zen Tarot.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

25 days to go...

Today was all about friendship. Working and chatting with my friend from Australia was enjoyable and full of insights. He also demonstrated what it means to think on your feet. Be open, and it can come. In fact, I reflected today on the great spaces inside and around me. I have an open mind now. No expectation, just keep writing.

I also met another friend, who shared a problematic situation with me from his private life. I was touched by his trust, and by his courage to step out and help others. And I realized that living a good life requires courage to choose, share, and pursue passion well outside the familiar and approved paths. My friend showed me such courage.

Tomorrow will bring more interesting experience, and I look forward to it. I stay positive, even though I also have my low movements, like most people. Now it’s my time to sleep. It’s nice to feel sleepy at the end of a busy day.

Photograph: Space in Vientiane

Monday, January 29, 2007

26 days to go...

“Create no more pain in the present”, advised Eckart Tolle’s in his now famous book The Power of Now. Yet I noticed that, for most of the time, my mind is still focused on the past and the future in stead of the Now. I particularly like the slogan above. I can at least try to avoid adding any pain or hurt. And with effort and some luck, I can make a positive contribution.

I started the day going to a coffee shop with an outside verandah, expecting that it would be quiet and peaceful, just perfect to start a nice Sunday. It wasn’t. A large group of cyclists and roller bladers descended on the restaurant at the end of their runs. It was interesting to see how people who had just spent so much energy, were able to talk so much and have lots of fund and laughter. They were joined later by a group of Harley Davidson enthusiasts showing off their machines. By that time I went off in search of a quieter coffee shop and a Tazo Zen green tea.

The rest of my day went smoothly and I enjoyed it very much. I had lots of activity and also reflection on life and living. And a good friend from Australia arrived to work together on an assignment this week. He has been a source of inspiration to me for years, and I am always happy to see him. So I am content.

It’s now 00:30 on Tuesday and I’m having difficulty keeping my eyes open, so it’s time to call it a day.

Photograph: Decorations outside Senayan City mall, Jakarta

Sunday, January 28, 2007

27 days to go...

I learned three important lessons today.

1. Realize when it is time to change

Change is constantly happening, but I don’t always notice it. Sometimes I need to make change in my works, to let go of some tasks to make space for new responsibilities, but I am reluctant to change. This is because I enjoy doing the same things. In such cases the Universe can “hit” me to send me a message to pay attention. Yesterday’s discussion on my performance evaluation in 2006 was such a message, I thought today.

2. Grow whole but keep separating work and personal life

Rebirth at 50 is a time of self-individuation and growing whole, Jung advised. I agree and I feel an urge to connect more things than before. However, just like flowing ink can create a mess on absorbing paper, it’s best to keep some things in life separate from each other,like the work and personal arenas. They are already connected through ourselves, and there is no need to invest in more connections.

3. Returning to Zero helps achieve 1 and 2

The Zen method of returning to Zero is powerful and useful. Zero is not positive or negative, but in between. It’s the space from which I can grow in several directions. Zero is always at hand, it’s like wiping the whiteboard clean.


Photograph: Beautiful lines, but time to make some changes.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

28 days to go...

It’s late, already past midnight. I am tired and have to get up early for my overseas trip. But I am determined to write, and as I do, I feel better already. I also remind myself to smile, and that boosts my spirit further.

I spent most of the day with government colleagues, led by a charismatic leader full of drive. It was remarkable to witness such a bundle of focused energy, and I could sense how it gave people a powerful framework and direction for their work.

That is when it struck me how much responsibility such leaders carry on their shoulders. If they guide their staff in the right direction, much good can be achieved. On the other hand, if they are misguided in some respects, their staff will also follow, and the good work built up by their predecessors over years, even decades, could be undone in a short time. I reflected that power has to be used wisely, after careful consideration.

In a different way this also applies to the use of my own capabilities. I learned this week from the annual assessment of my performance over the past year that I had let my work spread out too wide. As a result, my achievements were not obvious to my supervisor in the same way as they were to me. In fact, last year featured many crowning achievements of my work over the past six or more years. I could see that bigger picture clearly, but my supervisor could not appreciate it in the same way. I learned my lesson that I will need to be more careful this year and limit myself to tasks I am sure I could accomplish well for all to see. And keep smiling.

Today’s page of my daily Zen calendar quotes Yogi Berra saying “It gets late early out there”. Frankly, I have no idea what he meant. Perhaps he was advising not to waste time in life and get on with my calling as soon as I can. If that was the intention, I agree with him. I am determined, with a smile.

Photograph: A spiral of power (19th floor, Intercontinental Hotel, Bangkok).

Thursday, January 25, 2007

29 days to go...

If I had to name one thing that always lifts me up, it would be smiling.

I smile easily when I am content or happy. But the real power of smiling reveals itself to me when I am stressed, tired, disappointed, upset, or affected by some other emotion that pollutes my healthy functioning. Smiling in those times never fails to works wonders, and instantly. If only I would remember more often to smile!

Just lifting the corners of my mouth triggers a transformation that melts away any heaviness. Energy starts twinkling in me, like having inner goosebumps. And everything that featured big in my consciousness just a moment ago seems to revert quickly to natural proportions.

No wonder that the practice of smiling has been important to Tao practitioners for millennia. In my training a few years ago, I learned how to turn my outer smile into an inner smile and direct its warm loving energy everywhere inside my body. It's easy, and I had no trouble accepting that cultivating an inner smile boosts my health from inside out.

And while Asia like any other place in the world has its share of stressed people, I have come to realize that the ready smiles of people all around me form a key part of my daily intake of vitamins. It is heart warming. And then to think that smiling is universally accessible, free of charge, completely natural, and never out of stock.

So, at the end of this busy, productive, and tiring day, I smile. Knowing that smiling overcomes everything, and brings me back to the present moment. Nothing else really matters right now. Just smile.

Photograph: Power of the inner smile, as taught by Mantak Chia.

30 days to go...

Nice day, great evening.

Finished off a bottle of 2001 Saint-Emilion with a good friend while chatting about a lot of topics and people. So enjoyable.

We discussed many things, such as:

· the importance of being positive
· why friends get stuck in negativity and bitterness
· taking charge of one’s areer path and progression
· how nice it is to do research on a topic we enjoy studying
· on the need to respond firmly when challenged in the office
· on seeking out new hobbies and passions that fit one’s phase in life
· on sadness about the imminent death of a mutual good friend
· the many good things we enjoy every day
· the value of having more advanced medical checkups
· stimulating musical creativity in our children
· the benefits of working from home
· trying out living in Ubud
· the effect of irrigation projects on water temples in Bali
· how traffic policemen try to catch drivers for speeding
· how artificial corks ensure that wine is better preserved

I had a productive day, received my airticket to Bali, paid my rental advance for a year, had physiotherapy, and enjoyed a long discussion with a colleague from Australia.

I was reminded that there are always valuable things to learn, and that continuing my study is a beneficial thing to do.

Photograph: Red wine helped to connect the dots…

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

31 days to go...

Should I follow the highway straight ahead, or turn left or right?

The road ahead looks wide to me, and I feel comfortable because of its familiar size and design. The roads branching off to the left and right look smaller and winding. There are direction signs, but it’s difficult to see where these roads are leading.

Some people I know choose smaller roads as short cuts, to save time. Other people follow smaller roads because they are more scenic and bring them to special places. Or because they feel closer to nature and less besieged by concrete and asphalt. Most people, in my experience, follow the main road straight ahead, trusting that it gets them where they want to go in the shortest time and with the least of bother.

I have enjoyed traveling on my life’s highway for many years now, and without regrets. Using all kinds of vehicles, and experiencing all kind of traffic conditions, I have generally chosen at intersections to continue straight ahead.

And now I am preparing myself for the prospect of leaving the main highway and spending more time exploring the smaller and winding roads. Not as shortcuts. But to enjoy the scenery from closer by, to discover new places and sights, and to get to know more fellow travelers and share stories and experiences with them. I’m happy with this development.

With one month to go until I turn 50, I am setting my course for more adventure, ready to encounter the unexpected. Less driven by desire to reach a destination, and more interested in the quality of the journey itself.


Photograph: (top) Choice coming up, (bottom) Sometimes there's only one way

Monday, January 22, 2007

32 days to go...

I moved well today. Lots of action, and not too much activity. I ticked off many “to dos” from today’s list, which was a great feeling. This evening, however, I ran out of energy. Probably because I left office late, around 8:30 pm. I still have to learn how to adopt a daily schedule that helps me manage my energy better.

Several work items progressed, and my travel agent went ahead with issuing my ticket for the ‘reborn at 50’ trip next month. I ran several errands during lunch time with good success, including a visit to the ENT specialist to check my throat, as advised by my physician during the annual PE. He did an endoscopy and found that all was well.

I realized this morning that I need to take more photographs to support my blogging habit. It’s been a while since I took my Finepix F30 along when I left the house. I look forward to seeing more wonders through the camera.

This evening I ate a delicious salad with grapes and blue cheese. The dressing was superb, and I asked my helper about the ingredients. It turned out, as I thought, that it included beaten egg. So I asked her to change the recipe next time with a different one to avoid the risk of eating raw eggs. Caring about keeping healthy is high on my list.

Yesterday night I read Jim Paredes’ blog
post about his experiences to settle in Australia. It was a frank account, and I felt touched by much of what he wrote. Moving can be good and painful or at least testing. I am a creature of many habits, and I don’t change habits or domicile easily. But I can embrace change, just like Jim decided to take a plunge in the deep down under (after careful preparation).

My day moved well, and now it’s time to bring it to a close. It’s a great feeling to start a new chapter every single day. I can’t get enough of that sensation.

Photograph: Morning rays

33 days to go...

Being positive is the best I can be.

I relentlessly focus on positives, without effort, but as a matter of my everyday orientation.

However, I found that positive is naturally accompanied by negative in my world. One doesn’t seem to exist without the other being present closeby.
Even when full of positive intentions, thoughts, and feelings, I experience the presence of negatives, almost like mirror images. To overcome them is my intent and hope. But is it realistic? Is it possible? Are negatives cloistered to me like shadows to sunlight?

I’m sitting on my beginner’s mind chair, a blue plastic kid’s chair made by Chicco. The evening is giving way to the night. It’s 30 minutes to the witching hour, and I’m typing on my notebook computer placed on top of the glass-top coffee table. The house is quiet; everyone has gone to sleep. I keep an open mind.

I find that living without sadness is impossible. Whether we are adult or child, sadness comes our way. What makes the difference is how we deal with it. For me, sadness is often linked to a sense of failure, of missed opportunity, or from knowing that someone else is hurting.


As the days are passing towards my half century, sadness is a part of my life, where it coexists with great happiness. I reflected deeply on this, and could not see it any other way. It would be good if I could avoid hurting other people. Focusing on the positive helps, but never entirely.

My challenge in moving forward, or in Maxwell’s words in “failing forward”, is to grow in spite of advsersity and through the dark night of sadness. To learn my lessons from life without letting them drag me down. To experience my smallness in life and let go of ego, to let negativity slip out of sight.

Even if a shadow still follows me, it’s still my choice to look at it, stare at it, be burdened by it, or to turn and look to the light on my path.

Photograph: Beginner's mind chair.




Sunday, January 21, 2007

34 days to go...

Today started early and ended late. I enjoyed several parts. Coming to work in the morning on special request, I helped improve someone’s speech for an important event. In return, I was treated to lunch.

Then I brought my daughter to her singing lesson. The evening was very nice, with a dinner among friends, with lively talk and lots of laughter. How nice to get together like that.

Impermanence announced its presence again, with the speakers and microphone of my new PDA phone refusing to work. So only texting or talking with the handsfree set were possible. Tomorrow morning I will ask for a replacement.


Also, the cooling fan of my office notebook computer started making noises similar to the one I had to part with last December. I hope it holds up.

I received an email from the travel agent that my bookings to Bali in late February are confirmed. I was just exploring the idea of a week-long holiday treat for myself to celebrate my turning 50.


The practical people at the travel agent translated my non-committal thoughts into bookings. I am comfortable with the idea. It’s good to do something new and personal for oneself once in a while. I look forward to the adventure.

A few people asked me this evening about the progress of my research. It boosted my resolve to finish the article I am writing, with only another 10% of work to go. I will return to that job tomorrow.

I feel that my life at 50 is starting to come together. Of course there are many unknowns. Such is the nature of living, and that doesn’t bother me. On the contrary.


Like Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean adventure, I have acquired a magical compass of my own. It shows directions just for me. To many others they may seem unintelligible.

I’m now cultivating attitude and harnessing energy to walk my path.

Photograph: Enough lilies in my pond

Friday, January 19, 2007

35 days to go...

I reminded myself about the reason for this blog today. I started it to celebrate my completed half century and prepare for my passage to life at 50 and beyond.

It seems strange to me that I haven’t worried yet about leaving my forties behind. It hasn’t crossed my mind.
In stead, my focus has been on where I am now, and where I will go from here. I didn’t spend much time looking back. E.g. I hardly watch photo albums.

My excitement has been growing as my birthday is coming closer. What I have been reflecting on these past weeks is fast coming up. My journey of 83 days had its ups and downs so far, and there are still many days to go for further exploration. Have I peeled off enough petals to understand my soul? I still need more clarity and insight.

Today I enjoyed many nice moments. Several people sought my advice, and I was either accommodating or firm according to what I felt was right in each situation. I could see the people around me as people who were all trying to make the best of each situation. And I could drop all pre-conceived notions and have a beginner’s mind.

It’s a good day to sleep early. I look forward to getting up early and enjoying the dawn.

Photograph: Painting of flowers by
Symon Bali

Thursday, January 18, 2007

36 days to go...

Desire to give…

The last few days at work were hectic. Today an eminent laureate visited my office and gave a lecture. It was both busy and rewarding.

During introductions this morning, my boss remarked on my fundraising skills, saying “I don’t know how he does it.” This stuck in my mind, and I reflected on it tonight.

I would have appreciated it more if he had referred to other skills like having a solid grasp of my field, or at having introduced change and innovation, or simply to having achieved good accomplishments over the past years.

Anyway, I decided to take it as a complement, and to work out the answer to his unasked question. I think the successes I have had in fundraising in recent years were mainly caused by three reasons:

First, I am good at my job, so I can articulate what is important in my field.

Second, I have a passion for my work, so I am positive most of the time.

Third, I am persistent, so I hang in there and almost never give up.

And, while I generally keep a positive attitude, I have also learned never to be assured of success, so I adopt a beginner’s mind and reach out to the people I meet.

Finally, I believe that my positive results had something to do with a desire to give and share. I gave the other party something they needed or were happy to receive. I am not quite sure what it was. But I do know that when I had a positive and open attitude, good energy radiated out and made good connections happen.

I decided this evening that I should pay even more attention to “giving”, especially to the most difficult people in my life.

Photograph: We are the World, from Osho’s Zen Tarot.

37 days to go...

Falling awake – I like that experience.

I often have plans to do lots of activities in the evening. I tend to see it as an extension of the day, for leftovers from my “to do” list. And I realized that many times, my plans fall by the wayside. Probably that’s for the best. I’m learning that the evening complements what happens during my day, and that it is much better if I can enjoy its own quality and atmosphere.

Like most people, I have times in the evening that I can easily doze off, and other times when I’m wide awake, not thinking of sleeping at all (like now, at 1 am). In fact, I tend to sleep late, too late probably, although it’s easy for me to sleep early if I want to.

This evening I came home late from work, as I decided to spend extra time to clear the top of my desk from the left-over papers of last year. It felt a lot better afterwards, clean and energized. Feng shui is important to me, and decluttering is a very effective way to positive energy. Tomorrow I will deal with the other desk which still features several mountains of paper.

After dinner, I browsed a few books about life coaching, lounging in my lazy boy, which is the most comfortable chair in the house. And I succumbed to what a friend calls “grandfathering”, falling asleep in a delightful but unsolicited slumber. However, to my pleasant surprise, I “fell awake” before midnight, and felt a strong urge to write. I didn’t want to finish the day without it.

Late or early, I feel that I am becoming more flexible about time. I am getting better at “tuning in” and observing the quality of each particular time, whether it is busy, slow, frantic, calm, focused, leisurely, hot, cool, or otherwise.

Mostly, I find that I can go with the time as it is in that moment. I sync with its particular quality. And if it leaves me uncomfortable, I shift it, from fast to slower, from leisurely to focused, from serious to smiling, or in some other way.

How I feel is my business, and I am finding my freedom to choose it at any time.


Photograph: My lazy boy chair isn’t as fast as this one, but I do “travel” in mine also (picture by Bill Delcambre, downloaded with thanks from this
page).

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

38 days to go...

“Just do more aerobic exercise and you’ll be fine”, my doctor said today at the end of the annual physical examination. All test results were satisfactory, so I felt that I received a clean bill of health at the turn of 50.

And, as I enter the orange zone, I was told that my risk factor is about 0.7, one third below the average of 1.0. Good news, and a stimulus to continue investing in my health. Until recently, I found the annual PE process a time-consuming bother. Now, I’ve come to see it as a great benefit. The doctor smiled, he had heard that before, at my age.

To enjoy all the things I want to do after 50, I will need to cultivate a healthy lifestyle. I’ve come a long way already, and my diet is fine. Olive oil has become a favorite. But aerobic exercise and I should become better friends. For a start, I decided today to increase the number of laps I swim several times a week. I will work on that.

Health is basic to everthing I am and do. That says it all…

Photograph: Replica of ancient Chinese red wine container for good health.

39 days to go...

“Without leaving my house, I know the whole universe,” Lao Tze wrote a long time ago.

I guess that when the master did leave his house he didn’t do it to find more knowledge. He lived each moment fully.

I left my house today, my retreat resort for the past weeks while I was doing my research almost full time. Back to my office from today, and I liked that too. Further work on my research – I have much more to do before it's completed – is now assigned to evening hours, until I can create a block of free days again.

At the start of the new year, I found the atmosphere in the office bustling and the people looking fresh. The work of last year was being wrapped up and evaluated, and plans were being drawn up at a feverish pace for the work and accomplishments in the new year. A good time to exercise a positive attitude, for sure.

Some of the people I met expected the new year to be “more of the same”, while others seemed to deliberately open themselves to new perspectives and a shake up of their priorities. Perhaps some in the latter group had also drawn up new year’s resolutions. And some in the former group might have reflected that such resolutions almost never get done.

A friend shared that a fear of loss had ended with a realization that the universe is complete, so there is no reason to worry. (That’s in Lao Tze’s league I think.)

Another friend who had just finished an intensive period of giving training and coaching told me that she was now looking for a workbook to help her determine what to do next. How nice, I thought, to be so open.

For my work in this new year, I decided that I should take good care in planning. Quality needs priority-setting. It’s all too easy to continue in last year’s tracks. The new year can be different, and in fact I am sure it will be very different. Anyway, why would we call it new year if it wasn’t different? So I will find out what I can leave behind, and select fewer things to focus on.

I also took a decision on the personal front today, to share my blogs with my parents, brothers and their families. It’s another kind of openness, like opening the door and the windows of my house. More light, more sharing, more happiness…

Photograph: Through the eyes of Zen, the old and the new, the black and the white, look interlinked.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

40 days to go...

"Your attitude determines your altitude", I read today in Maxwell’s Your Roadmap for Success Workbook. He was referring to JFK’s historic commitment in 1961 to put a man on the moon before the end of that decade. Attitude, he said, made it possible, "the power of a dream coupled with the right attitude."

He went on to say that a "a dream without a positive attitude produces a daydreamer", and that "a positive attitude without a dream produces a pleasant person who can’t progress.” I couldn’t disagree with Maxwell on this, and I echoed after him that "having a good attitude makes all the difference in the world."

So there I was, in mid morning on Sunday having read these high-powered words, and what to do next? It didn't take me long to figure that out. I knew what I had to do, and did it. I spent the whole day working at home on my research, engrossed in adding and revising. A positive attitude got me going, and kept me at it.


I realized that some self-help books like Maxwell’s offer me a good opportunity to move forward, that is, if I don’t stop at reading them but actually apply their wisdom, at least the ones I agree with.

In between work, I sorted out notes I had written over the past two years in my PDA and had transferred to MS Outlook in my PC. And I was surprised at the number of poems I had written, and forgotten about. A nice rediscovery. I will pick some to post in my Poetry Me blog.

Because I spent all day working at my desk at home, I could not help feeling a physical disconnection from the world, friends, other people. Although, nowadays the flow of SMS rarely stops, and that helped me today to keep reaching out. I’m lucky to have friends who stay in touch and appreciate it when I reach out too.

Yesterday I had two thoughts about being alone. First, that it’s a natural and necessary thing to happen to people who write. But since I started writing I have not really felt lonely when I am alone. In times of solitude, I found that I can connect with the world and express my creativity through my writing.


And I am not alone in such experience. A friend whom I admire spends much of the time alone in writing and creating art. Another friend wrote today that she found pleasure in enjoying a windy beach in Boracay by herself, before attending a wedding party there.

But of course, every experience has its limits, and being physically connected to others is both healthy and necessary. So my second thought was that writers need to be part of the action. I got this idea from reading a story in Newsweek about Buenos Aires having become a hub for writers, artists, and musicians, referred to as the Capital of Cool. So I take it that writers do tend to converge to places where there is something going on.

Paulo Coelho wrote in Like a Flowing River that he has three different kinds of times in his life, akin to three distinct movements in a symphony. He calls them times of “a lot of people”, “a few people”, and “almost no one”. I assume he replays these movements over and over again, like I do when I enjoy a particular piece of music.


I took inspiration from this and I’ve now adapted my attitude to enjoy solitude when it meets me. And also to plunge into the action when the other two times come my way, with a few or a lot of people. These past days I was cocooned in “almost one one” time.

Photographs: (Top) Hue of the City, by a painter from Ubud, a place I miss.
(Bottom) Writing alone, at the foot of the Pyramid of the Sun, Teotihuacan, Mexico, one of the many enjoyable experiences I had in 2006.

41 days to go...

As I passed the half-way mark in my count-down that started late last year with 83 days to go, several things crossed my mind today.

One was my physical state and look. This is undoubtedly an important part of midlife transition to come to terms with. Like most people, I value looking good and want to keep it that way.

For me, looking good is mostly influenced by how happy I am with myself. I believe that good looks are primarily generated from the inside, by a healthy life, exercise and well being. Whatever I take as food supplements and put on my face and body is a small factor in comparison to the vitality that comes from within.

And I learned that by smiling deliberarely, I help to trigger well-being. I know that I really cannot smile 'enough'. Smiling and positive energy trigger good physiology and healthy looks.

Eating myself to 78 kg is one of my objectives in the physical dimension, and I have two more kg to go for achieve that. I also want to loose or reduce the bags under my eyes. Tone my muscles a bit more, and reduce excess fat. My love handles? I only need tiny ones, and I’m almost there.

This evening I had delicious herbed roast chicken for dinner, and it’s fragrance and taste from the herbs was invigorating. It all came from the inside of the chicken, in a way of speaking.

A friend commented today on my blog, saying that it seems that I have grown more detached from life in this period of preparation for rebirth at 50. Yes, this can be true. By necessity, to be aware of my life process, I have to take some distance, but without losing touch.

I was thinking today where to celebrate my passage into 50. Some exotic place would be nice, I should treat it in the way it deserves as a major milestone in my life. Bali is an option. I have felt for some time that the island that Nehru called the Dawn of the World is pulling me. I checked out some possible places to stay, and flights.

More reflections today were that encountering unexpected challenges in this phase of life is helping to keep me humble and realistic.


The lotus, one of the most admired flowers in our world, said to our mirror inner spiritual development, grows from thick mud. I see it as a good model for me, as it has been for countless other people. Growing like a lotus from the mud of midlife challenges.

Welcoming a degree of insecurity, unexpected turns and twists, and discovering new confidence, creativity, and purpose lets my life grow from mud into the sunlight, from narrow to broad, and it helps me to enjoy the diversity of the Universe around me, including the friendships that enrich life so much whenever I allow them to.

Photograph: Osho Zen Tarot’s “Beyond Illusion” reminds of a healthy face generated from the inside.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

42 days to go...

I felt so relieved when I came home late today, after midnight. I had been out having dinner with a close friend with whom I used to work before in Thailand. He had a colleague with him who had come to Manila for the first time.

We had dinner in a Spanish restaurant and enjoyed the tapas, the terraces, the palm trees, and the merry making on Friday night.

After dinner we went for a ride along the boulevard, intending to go as far as Intramuros. But the whole area turned out to be one huge traffic jam. And so many of them were smoke-belching buses and trucks, who seemed to be on the road at night when their trail of pollution would be (slightly) less obvious than during the day. My friends arrived back at their hotel after two hours of traffic jam. For me, to arrive home with cleaner air and without noise was marvelous.

I was reminded this evening that to be friends with someone, we need to regularly reach out to each other, and that’s what we did this evening, with lots of laugther. It was so relaxing, and I realized that I had been going through a serious bout lately. It was good to laugh again and be generous with myself. After all, I have been making good progress with my journey to rebirth at 50. Except with laughing more.

Friendship and laughter, is there anything better?

And what a pleasant day it was too! After getting up very early, the day warmed up when I met two office colleagues in the same hospital waiting room, all lined up in hospital gowns for the same proctosigmoidoscopy test as part of our annual PEs. I got to see a part of my body that I was unfamiliar with until today!

Then my office IT friend got my ActiveSync to work with my new PDA phone, ast least in the office network environment. I found a nice new printer for my daughter (one set of cartridges costs half the printer). And I had a photocopied booklet on becoming a coach bound with a metal spiral and pleasing green cover.

This evening, while waiting outside Cafe Havana for my two Thai friends friends to arrive (they were held up by traffic), I composed two haiku poems and wrote a collection of thoughts. A smile touched my heart.

Photograph: Art at thefiction@love ex
hibition in Singapore's Art Museum, June 2006.

Friday, January 12, 2007

43 days to go...

“How to start a blog? www.blogger.com/start "

I wrote this in my good ideas notebook last year. And what a journey it has been since I started with my first posting on 16 May 2006. I mostly focused on living day by day, and it’s rewarding to look back over a longer period and see the progress made in the journey.

This morning I skipped all my routines and went straight from bed to work. I felt the urge to finish the article I am writing for my research. I had been hoping for that to happen, and it made me think of Paulo Coelho’s words somewhere in The Zahir, where he talks about his long periods of procrastination followed by bursts of frantic rush in which his writing took precedence over everything else. I felt like that this morning.

So my morning was focused, and nicely frantic. In the afternoon my activities were mixed, interesting, both postitive and negative. I made progress in many activities, and encountered frustration in another. Like often, the energy of the frustration lingered longer, overshadowing the nice experiences.

What was my cause of frustration? One I am learning from. I could not get my new PDA phone to communicate with my computer in ActiveSync. So all my phone numbers, tasks, and other info are still in my PC and could not be synced into the PDA. Most likely it had to do with the firewall settings of my PC, although it still didn’t work after I changed those. ActiveSync worked fine with my old PDA phone on the same computer, and still does.

Of course I know that in today’s connected world it’s no longer enough for people to communicate, but our gadgets have to communicate also. When they don’t, it’s a pain, frankly. After many hours of getting the connection to work – and a feeling of having wasted far too much time on it - I stepped back, and allowed myself to enjoy doing other things. I will take it to the IT expert in my office tomorrow for treatment!

So my day had a mix of positive and negative energies. And also of different speeds. I was working at top speed this morning, and experienced slow downs and even procrastination later on. A mixed bag. It’s fun to obsvere that I could kick myself into the fast lane somtimes, while at other moments I let myself slow down to the pace of life and being more generous with myself and my high expectations.

This evening, I encountered another mix. I was checking out websites of life coaching institutions around the world, and I was amazed at the variety on offer. Some well-established centers like Coach U offer distance learning programs that are interactive through tele-classes and also require 250 or more practice hours before certification. At the other extreme, some institutions claim to turn students into coaches within 3 days at about five times the cost. And there are many options in between.


So what happened with all these mixed bags of experiences I had today? Did the different qualities mix and turn into a neutral blend? Did I end up feeling either positive or negative, or flatly ok? Going slow or fast, or with the flow? Seeing benefit in long or short courses, or opting for the middle? Focus more on communication between people or gadgets, or on what?

I found that the extremes didn’t blend today, but kept existing side by side. Positive and negative. Fast and slow. All types of communication. Like waves of different frequencies that exist at the same time. With awareness, I could choose which ones to tune into, and which ones to disconnect myself from.

Why not enjoy the extremes, and not expect them to blend? Each day is long enough to practice selective engagement, and a frequent change of gear.

Photograph: Different picks for different tunes.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

44 days to go...

For as long as I can remember, I have had dreams about my life. What I didn’t have enough of was the knowledge how to put them in action. That’s my definition of being a dreamer.

On the other hand, the people who can realize (some of) their dreams in their life are called successful, and I agree with that.

There are many reasons why dreams for developing a better life don’t make it into reality and fade away. But there are also some recipes for helping to bring dreams to fruition. One of these is to share the dream with others. That’s what I thought about today.

I am glad that in these past weeks I could start to share my dreams for life at 50 with some friends and in this blog. I didn’t have the courage to do it earlier; it made me feel a bit foolish. But I gathered my wits and I am glad I did it.

Already, I could feel the difference and sense my commitment growing. I was also lucky that my friends gave me positive feedback and encouragement. Like young plants, newly formed dreams are fragile and need nurturing.

My life flowed much better today than yesterday, and that felt good. I had a lot of nice experiences, including a long talk about family matters, life dreams, and raising children. And many people showed a positive spirit and helpfulness in emails.

What wrapped it up was receiving a new PDA phone this evening, through a promo from my service provider Globe. That was a big moment because I have become an intensive and happy PDA user.

The new phone is charging now and should be operational when I get up in the morning.



Photograph: (top) Oxygen needed; (below) My new Atom Exec PDA phone.



Wednesday, January 10, 2007

45 days to go...

Quality counts, and I didn’t feel that things went well with me today. They didn’t seem to flow as I wanted. Or I didn’t go with the flow. I felt unsettled, beset by inner conflict, and I couldn’t figure out why.
This morning I reflected on the opportunity of doing things well. Not to be satisfied with doing and completing an activity in a routine manner. But to engage each moment and action with a “totality” of my attention.

Watching the mind is key to achieving this. In every moment there is a choice how I can live it. But mostly, the space of choice passes me by because I am too engaged in a train of thought or a course of action.

Although I felt “compelled” to do some things today, I realized later that there was in fact no compulsion. Each moment offered me total freedom of choice. Even though it was difficult to see and use this freedom, it was there!

While I didn’t feel harmonious, I told myself that I had a choice how to feel. But I just couldn’t get rid of the unsettled feelings.

Ah well, I concluded that it was just one of those days that are best endured with a smile and then forgotten.

So nice that I always have the chance to refresh and start anew.

Photograph: Refresh, from a good friend’s collage.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

46 days to go...

Education prolongs life. That’s what US researchers have found out. Their story says that education tops the list of factors that allow us to enjoy longer lives. So the advocates of continuous learning are right. And my retired friend who recently enrolled in a PhD program made a good choice.

My journey to rebirth at 50 is about the same thing. Life-long learning needs an inquiring mind and a receptive attitude. I am already enrolled in a research program alongside my work. And since last week I am also considering distance learning opportunities about coaching.

Another thing I read this morning is that anyone can dream in the shower. This is true, and I certainly had some of my best ideas in the bathroom. But to turn these ideas into action requires much more. John Maxwell’s workbook sheds light on how to find one’s own road for success.

It also showed me that most great people in history achieved their greatness by overcoming adversity of all sorts. A whole range of factors can be the cause for ideas to simply fade away. Unless we are hungry for a dream to be realized, it won’t.

In the remaining days of my countdown, I will spend attention on how to put my ideas into action. I am hungry.

Photograph: Elevator art, Bangkok Intercontinental Hotel

Sunday, January 7, 2007

47 days to go...

Writing in the evening is different from the morning. I am not sure which one I prefer. The morning brings freshness and energy to my writing.

The evening is more emotional, influenced by the moon I suppose. There is also as sense of time pressure to get the post finished before it becomes very late.

On balance, I would choose the morning, except when a topic needs more depth and feeling, which comes easier at night.

It’s 22:50 as I write this, and I value both the time to write, and to get to bed before midnight. My youngest daughter concurs with the latter, advising me forcefully in the past weeks that sleeping late carries the risk of meeting witches.

Back to the afternoon, when I was concentrated on my research work, for long hours at a stretch. So it’s only now that I tore off yesterday’s Zen page-a-day calendar sheet to reveal today’s quotation. It’s a poem by Buson, reading:

Snow-break also
Can be heard –
This dark night


In fact, tonight is dark, or at least it felt that way to me as I took a leisurely walk through the village to recharge. My energy was quite depleted. Dinner didn’t help. The walk didn’t bring me new energy either, but it was nice all the same.

Now that I’m writing again, I feel better. A glass of Pearly Bay red wine from West Cape region in South Africa, with a few slices of old Dutch cheese, soothe me further.


Managing one’s energy and health is important. What can we do without them? I realized today that I tend to forget taking breaks from work when I am very concentrated.

For tomorrow, I changed my schedule to start earlier and include several breaks with a bit of stretching to go with them.

Photograph: Light behind the hills, Microsoft sample picture. I never paid attention to them before.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

48 days to go...

After the alarm went this morning, I missed getting up early. I stayed in bed half-awake for a couple of hours pondering various things. Comfortable for sure, but when I finally got up I realized that these hours had not yielded anything useful. The mind was mostly reflecting on the past, and switched to psychological time. I was happy to get back to real time, to the now.

The day went by peacefully. After exercise and errands around the house, my productivity only rose in mid afternoon when I got back to my research. Surprisingly this started while sitting in the back of the car, where I found that I could think clearly, and later over a soy cappuccino in Starbucks. Once the pump was primed, I could continue the flow back at my desk. I made good progress, focusing on the conceptual framework of the research and on planning of the data collection.


In between activities, I also put my success journey ideas of the past days into a mind map. It’s such a nice tool, I’m happy I downloaded the program. I made two maps so far.

To help me onward my life journey at 50, I asked three good friends a few days ago what they thought my strengths were that I could put to more use at 50. Two replied already, and I gave me valuable insights and advice. As another good friend mentioned, honest feedback can work like a mirror. We see things that we otherwise could not.

My youngest daughter decided on her own initiative to make a collage today, after doing her first one on Christmas day. I was happy that she caught the creative spirit. And my oldest daughter explored how to replace a DVD player that didn’t work. She realized she couldn’t rely on asking her Dad forever. Way to go.

All together a gentle day, with good progress and some nice things happening!

Photograph: Going with the Flow, from
Osho's Zen Tarot

Friday, January 5, 2007

49 days to go...

Today I focused intensely on eating my largest frog.

The frog is an article I am writing as part of my research on leadership in water governance. I made good progress today, because I pushed everything else off my table - I did not allow any other priority on my list.

And it worked. My mind was totally focused. I even had to drag myself away from my table to eat lunch and play saxophone for a while to give myself a break.

What then, I wondered this evening, if I applied such intensity to mapping my success journey? To identify where I would like to go most of all? To identify my passion…

Hmm, I have a few passions, not just one. Ok, let’s be generous to myself and let me keep more than one passion. So what would be my hottest passion?

I thought about it, and played around with words and sentences on my screen. And I found that what was at the top of my list was to help people move forward with their life.

Is that really for me? I haven’t done much of that yet. Looking at my blog posts, they have been full of introspection, of nurturing my inner world, focusing on my first arena of success, to be true to myself.

Then I realized that I really needed to help myself before I could hope to help anyone else. It’s like the oxygen bag instruction in the airplane. Help yourself, then the others. Let your own cup overflow first.

When I was growing up, there was a heavy focus on Jesus Christ’s teaching to love your neighbor as yourself. It became like second nature to think that way. Except that everyone’s attention was somehow only on the first part.

Years later, I realized that I missed the essence of what Jesus had said. He meant that you have to learn to love yourself first!
Then I noticed that many people have a problem loving themselves, including me.

But on New Year’s day, I gave myself good marks for success in my inner arena. Now I can move on with confidence to my arena of growing to develop my potential. I will figure out more about my journey to realize my top passion. What it takes to do it well.

Oh yes, and I will also follow my muse for the other three passions on my list: to develop into a good water governance adviser, writer, and musician.

Eating a frog will now be part of my daily menu.

Photographs: (top) Eat that Frog, by Brian Tracy – 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time; (center) eating my frog; (bottom) my espresso art.


Thursday, January 4, 2007

50 days to go to 50...

I started the count-down at 83 days. Now there are 50 days to go until I turn 50. I am enjoying the experience.

Yesterday I explored what success means, and how I intend to pursue success in three arenas. The arena of being true to myself. The arena of growing to develop my potential. And the arena of caring and sharing with others.

A good friend asked me to continue my blog after this “limited edition” finishes on 23 February. Another friend had finished reading my blog and found it good, and would like some advice once in a while.

I started this blog to help myself on my journey to 50 and beyond. And it’s nice to see connections develop as I journey on. That is actually the theme of my first blog,
Dao and Wine, which is an invitation to join me in celebrating life, where Dao is the big picture, beyond words, full of dots… and red Wine helps us see the connections, makes our dots communicate.

Dao and Wine is a bit neglected these days as I focus most attention on this Reborn at 50 blog.

Now that I have described what success means to me, I’m reflecting on the road to get there. Is there such a thing as getting there? Yes and no. I need a clear sense of direction and purpose in all three arenas of success. For some, there could be targets, especially in the second arena of developing potential.

To fulfill any purpose however, I can only take action in the present time, in the now. Thinking a lot about what to do in the future doesn’t get me there. Like the saying goes, a long trip starts with a single step. And as
Maxwell said, “success is something that you are right now, not something you vaguely hope one day to be.”

In the days to come, I will work out in more detail what purposes and direction I see for me in my three arenas, and where there are targets. For now, I realize that success is, in Maxwell’s words, “a journey rather than a destination.” I see my journey as an existential experience, lived day to day, every five minutes, every moment.

On the other hand, a journey to accomplish a target needs some planning and preparation. So, like with many important things in life, I find that there are two sides the coin I call journey.

What is important for both, however, is having the right attitude. Three years ago, I put in my first life journey collage to "expect the unexpected". I found out later that it is good to adopt a beginner’s mind attitude to whatever part of the journey I am in.

Photograph: Fiction@love art exhibition at Singapore’s art museum, June 2006.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

51 days to go...

Yesterday ended last night.

My MontBlanc cartridge ended this morning, again.

But so what? I had a great start of the day, and will take my Parker out of storage today.

I enjoyed more than 10 years of uninterrupted writing pleasure with my red and black Meisterstück pens, which are beautiful writing instruments. Such a pity that MontBlanc now sells cartridges that stop flowing after a short while (this was the 5th in a row for me with the same problem). And I was surprised they didn’t reply to my feedback on their website.

The art of writing is, of course, in the writer rather than in the instrument, which is what MontBlanc used to claim earlier. In their latest ad the company claims to be Soulmakers for 100 years! Well, I love nice pens but my soul can live just fine without MontBlanc :-)

In my count-down to turning 50, I am reviewing where I am going. With flexibility, and keeping my options open.

Success is important to me, because I want to move forward in the time that is left for me. But what is success, and what is it to me?

To get some ideas from others, I asked five people yesterday for their definition of success. Three replied.

The first response, almost instantaneous (thank you!) was from a writer and artist: “When you get what you want, when you meet your goal.”

I liked this definition for its orientation on achieving one’s purpose. It implies that you know what you want, what your goal is.

The second reply came from my phone company’s client relationship manager: “Being happy with what you have, who you are, who you’re with, and that you’re almost worry-free in the future. At this point, I still have to earn that kind of success.”

This definition pointed me to success being like a journey. Happiness in the present time is key, and it is connected with people around us. And we need to make an effort to realize our aspirations for the future.

The third reply was from a retired friend: "For me success means to achieve your target, to accomplish the stated purpose."

Once again, this definition underlined the need for a target, for knowing one's purpose. If you don't know where you're going, how can you know if you achieve it?

I reflected on all of these and my own thoughts, and I decided that for me, success seems to have three arenas.

The first is the inner arena. It is about being true to myself, to live in the now, from inside out, about laughing a lot, like a Zorba the Buddha who appreciates both the spiritual and the mundane planes and lives fully in both. It is about the ability to be happy in any moment, without dependence on others or any particular reason. It goes to the root of knowing my purpose for being in this life, and being happy about it. Maintaining good health and energy are part of experiencing success in this arena.

The second arena of success has to do with fulfilling my potential. It’s about growing, about passion, about ability. These come with effort and training. Even if I would believe that I can do anything, I certainly cannot do everything! So selection, concentration, focus, commitment, and sacrifice come into play. Sacrifice is important, because to develop one or more talents I need to let go of other pursuits. Otherwise my passion will be diluted, and the flame won’t be hot enough to create the necessary alchemy for transforming my talents into results.

The third arena of success is about caring and sharing good things with others. It’s about being connected in the Universe, and to be a conduit for its positive energy and creativity. Success here can mean to sow some seeds that can help others to grow. John Maxwell referred to this dimension of success by saying “we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give”. This resonates with me. As I turn 50, I definitely would like to spend more time in this third arena of success.

I realize that these three arenas of success are connected. That’s where growing up becomes growing whole. I think I have done pretty well in the first arena of success in the past years. I have a good foundation there. Now the second and third arenas are “calling” out for more attention. Not necessarily the way I did it in the past. That’s my journey these days, and today.

Photograph: What direction to go? Blogging from the Long Bar in Cathay Pacific's lounge in Hong Kong airport

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

52 days to go...

Yesterday was good. Today is new.

“The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

(Zen saying, from Zen – Surprising Sayings, Parables, Koans, and Haiku, 2007 Page A Day Calendar by David Schiller, see webpage at www.pageaday.com)

After a few weeks of staying up late and cocooning well into the morning, I changed my schedule today. I got up before six, exercised and swam at dawn, and watched the morning clouds reflect the sunrise. I felt the magic of that moment, as I drank an espresso and experienced the bitter, sour, complex, rich, colorful taste and texture of the coffee.

I had entered a new phase of my life.

Then I realized that the past year 2006 helped me reflect, turning inward. I enjoyed that journey tremendously. I learned to be happy without reason. Not to blame anyone or anything for how I felt. To move forward positively, whatever the circumstances. To enjoy every moment. I went through a multiversity of experiences, most of it internal. And I graduated. Now that I looked back on the year, I gave myself good marks for accomplishing all of that. It ended yesterday.

Today I started my new endeavor, characterized by action.

I decided that I had cocooned enough. A new Me has reformed and is ready to stretch its legs. I could feel that clearly this morning, with an awareness that was unexpected.

So the new year 2007 will herald more action on my part. I am ready for it now. The Universe will help me on the way. I have learned to listen.


Photograph: Morning magic

Monday, January 1, 2007

53 days to go...

Impermanence is real, in case I had forgotten!
The message came through clear but not loud. Rather, its opposite, through deafening silence when I least expected it.

My trusted PDA phone stopped making noises. Its speaker had died overnight with the incoming new year. When people called me this morning, I couldn’t hear anything, and they couldn’t hear me either because the mic had died too. Silence was the result.

Fortunately, the passing away of my PDA turned out to be a gradual event, as the sound and mic still worked through the handsfree set. I decided it was a clear New Year’s signal to buy a new PDA phone. Since I can still use the old phone with handsfree, I have a few days respite to do so and find a suitable model. How nice!

I used my PDA phone for just about everything but frying eggs, so it’s really important to me to get a replacement soon. I didn’t use it just to stay in touch with friends by calling, texting, and chatting, but also to plan daily what to do; watch photographs and film clips, manage money, write creative notes, make drawings, listen to music, etcetera.

Consequently, changing phones is something I dread, much like changing my computer. What about all the programs, the backing up, the reinstalling, etc. So what better time to be reminded than on New Year? I will “just do it”.

I basically did three things today. I started the day with more decluttering, which was good and not too tedious.

Then I checked out financial management software. Today it was the turn of Intuit’s Quicken (I reviewed MS Money yesterday). I found that both programs can do more or less the same, and I decided on MS Money because I liked the layout and graphical interface better. Now I am all set up to start managing my money this year, which is one of my two new-year resolutions.

I also got going on my other resolution, which was to eat better. So I took up cooking dinner, politely declined the help offered from my staff, and turned out a wok-fried mélange of broccoli, black mushrooms, tempeh, with assorted seasoning. It tasted good, and it also stimulated me to cook more and better.

An interesting day, a real new start in several ways, and I made it happen.

Photographs: Silent PDA phone, and new-year’s vegetarian wok dish