54 days to go...

One evening left to close the year. 54 days left to prepare for a life time.

If there is any emotion I wish to take with me from the past year into 2007 it is happiness.

Even if my road was rocky, winding, uphill, and uncharted, I experienced a lot of happiness. And, most importantly, I found out how to be happy from inside out without any reason.

I visited my saxophone teacher at his home in Binangonan today, outside Manila. He has a happy family, with nice-looking kids. His house is two years old and he completes it bit by bit. I salute my teacher for his achievement. He teaches wind instruments, especially the recorder, flute, clarinet, and saxophone.

His story is remarkable. Because his parents could not support his school expenses, he was asked to join his school band because it would give him a free scholarship to study. He did, but he wasn’t interested in music. He managed to get some coaching from the band leader.

After graduation he joined the department of tourism. And he was asked by an older friend to substitute for him playing saxophone in a big band in a night club. He agreed, but he still couldn’t play well, and wasn’t very interested either.

But while playing with the big band, music finally got to him. He became entranced by it and it became a part of his life. Soon after, he left the government and took some music assignments overseas in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, where he developed his musical style. Years later now, those employers are still writing to ask him to come back for more.

However, he had discovered that his happiness was to be close to his family. He told me that he preferred to teach at home in the Philippines. He wouldn’t go back abroad, he said. He found out what makes him happy, and he decided to stick with that.

He supplements his modest teaching income by regularly doing gigs, mostly at weddings and other celebrations. He continues to build his life, step by step, like he does his house.

None of his children has caught the musical virus yet. The oldest seemed in high risk of infection last week, when he asked his Dad for the first time to be taught the flute. While their mother encouraged the children to follow in their father’s musical footsteps, the father welcomed them to listen to their own muse in the choice of their study and profession. The oldest is now training to be a chef.

I reflected that finding the passion of our life can indeed take a while. They need not be permanent. Few things are. Passions can evolve, or be phased out, for another. However, we can’t have too many passions, otherwise there wouldn’t be enough time to devote to them.

In this past year, I discovered more about my own passions. Writing has come to the top spot, and music is second. Come the New Year 2007, I will continue to give these two passions more of my time.

Photographs: My saxophone teacher with his family, and his house.

55 days to go...

Yesterday I reflected on death and dying. It helped me to make changes in my life, create better habits (at least to start thinking about them) and infuse me with a positive spirit. I continue on that journey.

Today, with only two days left in this current year, I thought about people enjoying the pleasure of being with friends and loved ones. Everywhere I went in Manila in the past weeks, throngs of people enjoyed the festive end-of-year season. Families and friends met and thoroughly enjoyed spending time together, especially shopping and eating.

Regarding my day, I didn’t feel that I accomplished a lot today. But when I added up my activities, the reality seemed to tell a different story. This has happened to me before, and it left me with a feeling of stumbling into the same hole more than once. Apparently I didn’t learn a lesson yet.

Perhaps I didn’t get to doing things I had set out to do. I certainly didn’t finish all the items on my to-do list, but I rarely do in the best of days. I remember thinking during the day that I should let go of my concern, and live the moment well, like it was the last day of my life. Enjoy!

So what did I do? I got up a bit late; received a new stove, this time with the correct type of oven (gas); read Ask Pud; chatted with a friend; had a delicious brunch of herbed chicken (leftover from last night) and spaghetti; got Adobe Photoshop to work on my computer; bought some DVD movies and concerts for my daughter and myself; and started with Microsoft Money to get myself organized to manage the home finances better in 2007.

I also discovered a guitar shop that I didn’t know about and specializes in Ibanez guitars; arranged with my saxophone teacher to visit his family tomorrow on his invitation; had a nice dinner with my daughter in Trio restaurant eating her favorite menu of spinach soup and thin-crust cheese pizza; paid end-of-month salaries to helpers; and decluttered a few more parts of the house this evening.

I am happy with this harvest. For tomorrow I plan to declutter more, and decide what habits and things have outlived their usefulness and can “die” at the end of this year, thereby making space for new life and experience in 2007.

My day is coming to an end nicely, writing this post, and seeing my daughter write down the lyrics of songs she wants to learn - ABBA’s Money Money Money is her choice of the moment.

A moment ago, she seemed to announce the end of the day when she rang the Balinese bell, and then struck the Tibetan singing bowl, both three times. Their sound “cleared” the air.

Photographs: Tibetan singing bowl and Balinese bell

56 days to go...

I reflected on death and dying today. This is something I need to do in my journey to rebirth at 50, and for my life beyond that milestone.

Why so? It has to do with the quality of my life. By reflecting on dying, I know that I can experience changes in my heart and can adopt better habits in my life. I will get to know what is really important, and distinguish it from the filler and noise.

My intuition tells me that what I need to know about living and dying is already programmed and stored inside me. But I need to tap into that well of wisdom, and learn to listen to my inner voice. And to prime myself on the subject, I am now reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.

According to this master, reflecting on death can lead us to “go through a powerful experience, and your whole world view can change quickly.” He said that contemplation on death can bring us a deepening sense of renunciation or rebirth. “The fruit of frequent and deep reflection on death”, he said “will be that you will find yourself ‘emerging’, often with a sense of disgust, from your habitual patterns.”

So reflecting on death has everything to do with how to live one’s life better, and that is what I am after in my quest for rebirth at 50.

Sogyal Rinpoche explained that death doesn’t happen just once. Life, he said, is a “continuing dance of birth and death, a dance of change. Every time I hear the rush of a mountain stream, or the waves crashing on the shore, or my own heartbeat, I hear the sound of impermanence. These changes, these small deaths, are our living links with death. They are death’s pulse, death’s heartbeat, prompting us to let go of all the things we cling to. So let us then work with these changes now, in life: that is the real way to prepare for death.”

Continuing his exposé on impermanence, he said that it “spells anguish to us”, and therefore we “grasp on to things desperately, even though all things change. We are terrified of letting go, terrified, in fact, of living at all, since learning to live is learning to let go.”

He urged us to take impermanence truly to heart, saying that it is “to be slowly freed from the idea of grasping, from our flawed an destructive view of permanence, from the false passion for security on which we have built everything.”

Taking his words to heart today was easy because they resonated strongly with my own sense of truth.

When we work with changes in our life that are inspired by a better understanding of impermanence, Sogyal Rinpoche said that we could taste the “elating truth of these words by William Blake:”

He who binds to himself a Joy,
Does the winged life destroy;
He who kisses the Joy as it flies,
Lives in Eternity’s sunrise.”

From: “Eternity” in Blake: Complete Writings, edited by Geoffrey Keynes (Oxford and New York: OUP, 1972

I believe it. Death is intricately linked with life.

In the culture in which I was raised, death was held at maximum distance from our daily lives, loves, and activities. It seemed as though we were programmed to resist death and even the thought of it. In stead, all focus was on growth, beauty, strength, youth, and everlasting love and relationships.

Being reborn at 50 means I have to integrate death into my life. To learn to live fully, as if each day can be my last. Living that way is a celebration of each moment, each five minutes, each hour, each day.

My reflection on living and dying will continue.

Photograph: All smiles for a young Sogyal Rinpoche with his Master Jamyang Khyentse Chokyi Lodro

57 days to go...

28 December 2006 (delayed posting). I’ve numbered my days. Today is 57. That’s also the year I was born.

Yesterday night I found out that I was selected TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year! I share the honor with my fellow inhabitants of the earth. At least with those who have opened up to share their voice with the world in the hope of making it a better place.

I read in TIME how the blogosphere and especially, initiatives like Flickr, MySpace, and YouTube have changed the paradigms of communication in the past year. How influential they have been!

Many of the Persons of the Year featured as examples in this month’s TIME are young. They hit, or stumbled, on new ways of doing things with a passion. Ideas born in garages and libraries went on to change the world of hundreds of millions others.

Power to us! We no longer have to limit the way we engage with the world to the conventional channels. The number of new opportunities keeps growing exponentially.

On a more personal note, I wondered today if I should make new-year resolutions for 2007. I decided yes, I should. But I won’t make a long list. I’ll reflect on what really ‘comes’ to me in these next days.

So far, two things already ‘came’. The first was to eat better food. I need more variety and creativity. I am already eating healthy food for years, but too much of the same stuff. It’s boring, and I don’t always notice that. I will go with visual clues to expand my choice of meals. Starting with a set of cooking books I got yesterday.

The second is to revamp my finances. More on that later, as I do my homework on it.

While I write, Sarah McLachlan is smiling at me from the TV, playing piano and singing Train Wreck on her Afterglow Live show. Between songs she tells the audience how difficult songwriting is for her, and that she gladly grabs whatever the universe throws at her. It resonates with me.

Another day passed without broadband internet access. Ships were rushed to the site off Taiwan where broken fiber-optical cables lie covered in mud on the seabed. I found that the essentials of life are here with me. But sharing my story online would be even nicer for this Person of the Year who is turning 50 soon.

Photograph: Celebration - clown in the morning sun.

58 days to go...

27 December 2006 (delayed posting). I made my second “life journey” collage two days ago. I prodded myself to live my dream and unleash the artist in me. The earlier collage was made exactly three years old, during the Tapping the Creative Universe workshop with Jim Paredes.

Today I discovered art all around me, in shop displays, in the smiles of people, in the shapes and forms of objects in my surroundings. Then I began to realize that art is in the eyes of the seer. Perhaps it is nowhere else.

I can see art better now in the world around me. It is not just in art galleries. It is a way of life. Art is everywhere… and I am a part of it when I see the wonder in it.

I have a great espresso machine in my home for the past one and a half year. I use it several times a day, and my daughter has recognized how much I appreciate it. So she expressed her feeling by decorating it for me. At first I thought to remove her sticker, but then I saw the beauty of her intention, and the art in the combination of a cool machine with a beautiful young lady. A simple form of art deco?

I remember that in days gone by, fighter pilots painted pictures of their favorite women on the noses of their planes. Perhaps they still do. I am glad I can enjoy artful combinations in peace.

In the picture above, I captured another vision of art at my home, that of the espresso cup I like to use these days. The red color, and the image, helps to revive me in the morning. I bought the pedestal yesterday from a curio shop. Another art combi.

As I write this (in MS Word) my internet access is cut almost entirely as a result of the earthquake that struck south of Taiwan and disrupted intercontinental undersea communications cables. Interestingly, I can still receive CNN’s website, albeit slowly, but I can’t access Blogger. Well, a question of priorities I guess.

While I am cut off from the blogosphere, there is always my art at home.


Photograph: Espresso cup art

59 days to go...

I am blank. I have no idea what to write. But I honor my commitment. No, I didn’t sit down in front of the computer because of my commitment. I came because I love writing. I honestly feel that my day would not be complete without it. Hooray! I’ve come to that stage, and I celebrate my progress to have this feeling.

Three years ago, my life went through a sharp curve, with that feeling of acceleration. I was drawn tonight to some lines I wrote then, while attending Jim Paredes’ workshop on Tapping the Creative Universe:

"At any moment, I can wipe the whiteboard of my life clean, I return to stillness, purity, nothing or zero. The empty balance between positive and negative, from which new things can grow in me, and at which I can make clear decisions. It is the Zero Doctrine -total flexibility, the absence of fixed ideas. It’s when I can hear the plants grow.

Tao … is the pathless path, like the bird’s trail in the sky, invisible afterwards."

Right now, I feel at Zero. Not a negative mood, but just on that balance point in between negative and positive. I feel flatly content. Anyway, what does it matter how I feel? Not a lot, really. I have worked out for myself that I don’t depend for my happiness on how I feel. Hmm, a courageous statement?

I took a lot of small positive steps on my path today. I felt energized, and I was in touch with a good friend through texting. Several other friends still sent their Christmas wishes, and I enjoyed getting them and replying.

I opened an email account for my daughter this evening, to her delight. I got a free replacement for a broken theraband that I use for exercise. I looked for a shop to frame the collages my daughter and I made yesterday.

I searched for software to help me explore the use of mind mapping for my writing, and I found one I liked (FreeMind).

I took delivery of a new stove, only to find out it had an electric rather than a gas oven, which I had ordered. I like using a gas oven, and the cost of electricity in the Philippines is second only to Japan, so using gas makes more sense. The shop manager was helpful on the phone to arrange replacement, and even offered me a rebate.

My camera ran out of juice, and I had to drive to office during my holiday to retrieve the charger which I had forgotten there in my travel bag. Then I realized that I had used the camera daily since 8 December without charging it. The battery life of my Fujifilm Finepix F30 is amazing, and it’s a great camera too. And… I have started adding hyperlinks to my post for the first time.

Now, late at night, my daughter is watching Shark Story with headphones, and I just feel… flatly content. Like a bird, I flew my path in the sky today. It has already become invisible, except for the trail in this posting.


Photographs: Existence, from Osho's Zen Tarot, and the butterfly in the FreeMind logo

60 days to go...

I celebrated Christmas with my daughter. Each of us wrote about Christmas, and made a collage reflecting on our life and what we like.

What do I think about Christmas?

At Christmas, people focus on doing good things for others. They send their best wishes to all people they know. To mark the day, they light candles and decorate a tree with balls, lights, and stars. They put their gifts under the tree, to give to each other on Christmas day. Or they just give them to people wherever they are, like in the office.

Who is this Santa who comes to town at Christmas? He lived long ago and he loved children very much. In his part of the world, he was known as the friend and protector of children. He was loved so much that they called him Saint or Santa, which means holy man.

And he became so famous in his time that he never died and continues to live on in the world today. Children expect him to come to their town and visit them. He tries his best to do that, especially when children sing a song for him. My daughter thinks Santa is nice, kind, happy and jolly. If he can be all those things, I think we can be too.

Why is there so much eating on Christmas? There are Christmas dinners, special Christmas cakes, and Christmas cookies and candies too. Even Starbucks sells cookies in the form of Santa or a Snowman. I think it is because when we eat something nice together with our family or friends, it can remind us of making good things in life a part of us, deep inside our hearts.

In truth, it is the other way around. All good things in life are already part of us, inside us, every day. But because we tend to forget that, we need celebrations like Christmas to remind us that we can be happy, kind, and merry. It’s funny and a bit strange that we need things from outside ourselves, like candles, decorations, nice food, and gifts, to remind us of our good qualities inside. But this is how most of the people in the world think about Christmas.

What I know is that ‘everyday is a good day’. It is because of the good that is inside us. We are all good, and we can let more light shine from our hearts into the world if we make an effort. And when we do, it’s a great thing to laugh a lot and be happy. There really isn’t so much to worry about. And worrying never makes our lives better. So, while Christmas is celebrated on one day of the year, we can show how good we are on every day of the year, and have a great time together with music, laughter, lights, and togetherness.

Christmas

At Christmas Eve, everyone sings a song
Where Santa likes it, ho ho ho
Merry Christmas everyone! Merry Christmas!
Hey! Santa is a jolly man
We make a Christmas tree
Everyone help to put a star on top
We are going to buy gifts for Santa
Can you give us gifts, Santa?
Or shall we make a circle first?
Santa likes us to make a circle first
And put gifts under the tree
Enjoy your nice meal I gave you
Light a candle and make a wish
Thank you very much, and
Have a nice day everyone!
We had so much fun when Santa came to town
I know that he’s a jolly man
Good night and sweet dreams
We are happy!

Photographs: Giant Christmas tree at PowerPlant shopping mall, our collages

61 days to go...

I experienced three dimensions of time today, my mother’s, my daughter’s and my own.

My aging mother told me on the phone today that she felt that her time in life is running out. I asked her how she felt in her spirit and soul. This was uncharted territory for discussion because usually in my family we restrict our talk to tangible, physical, and practical things.

She appreciated my question though, and we discussed her feelings about preparing for dying, about the uncertainty of what happens when we die, and the importance of hope and trust. We reflected together about our souls being eternal and huge, and about the good life she has had. We agreed to continue our talk tomorrow on Christmas day.

Meanwhile, my daughter’s life was unfolding like a flower, and she was keen to learn new things. Sharing activities with her was wonderful, and we both appreciated it, especially when we could each other enough space and understanding in our interplay.

She asked me tonight that I should not sleep late. This is what I have done regularly when completing my daily blog posting. I found that late night is a quiet and peaceful time to write.

For myself, I experienced the benefits of decluttering today. I reorganized the book shelves I use most often, and regrouped my books by topics, like on writing, wellbeing, relating, health, Tao, Zen, love, poetry, travel, fiction, and several others.

I rediscovered so many nice books, and I also selected about one third for disposal. Those are now piled up in the store room for the next garage sale.

Some books and photo albums brought nice memories of earlier times in my life. I was happy that I could appreciate them without feeling melancholy. Most of all, I felt refreshed and renewed, with more positive energy in the room.

One of the books I have been reading lately is Sogyal Rinpoche’s The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. After talking with my mother today, I felt that I should pay more attention to this book, which seeks to empower us in our journey through life and death, and to advise and support those who are close to that final passage.

Photograph: Decluttering my room.

62 days to go...

Time is our best friend. But we often make time into our adversary by focusing on problems. That is of no use, because we will always loose if we compete with time and with our own mind.

I am counting down the days until I turn 50. This is very much about time, of reaching a half century in this life. I reflect on accomplishments, on what is done. I also think about what lies ahead. Not that I worry about that a lot.

Rather, I see the future as a great opportunity. A great potential I can tap into. But only if I am awake to it, and aware of the possibilities. I can only tap into the future now, in the present moment.

Everyday is a good day for that. I live in real time when I live in the now. I found that there is no other real time. Behind me is the closed book of history. Before me is the closed book of the future.

There is only the now in which I can live. And it’s so big, once I started discovering it. It has the unlimited potential of the universe, and no real problems. I like real time, the now, the present moment. I have tasted it, and I won’t trade it for anything.

If the concept of real time is too hard to apply, we can think of living every five minutes. We can oversee that. A good friend has adopted this as a motto. I also saw it in the Spanish film Bienvenido a Casa that I watched recently on Singapore Airlines.

The lead actress told her boyfriend not to promise love forever, but to love her for 5 minutes, and then another five minutes, and another. Our real time, our now, can be five minutes.

When we pay attention to our mind, we realize that our problems are created mostly by dwelling in the imperfections of the past or the uncertainties of the future. This is what Eckart Tolle calls psychological time in his book The Power of Now.

We live in psychological time when reflecting on problems. And especially when we feed the problems by our thoughts, fears, and expectations. The result is that they stay alive.

The more we live in psychological time, the more we feed them and the bigger and hungrier they grow. Until they become pain bodies that feed on us, and we feed them. An unhealthy symbiosis, for sure.

I have lots to be thankful for in the past year, in the past decade, and in the past 50 years of my life. At this year’s end, I will reminisce, and this year I will do it more because of my passage to 50.

I will remind myself of fantastic moments I had that make life so memorable and rich. And, inevitably, thoughts of what did not go well will also come to my mind.

I will welcome and recognize all these thoughts. And then I will let them slide away to make space for the opportunities in the present time. For a beginner’s mind.

When we come to the end of a chapter or cycle in our lives, it is easy to focus on what was not achieved, where we messed up, what didn’t turn out as we expected. It’s how our mind works. It’s natural.

What I like to do, however, is to turn to the other side of the coin of fortune. It’s the side of the possibilities, of the space to live and create.

As I prepare for 50, I acknowledge that some chapters in my life need closing. For what I sense that has finished in my life, I have the task to close it properly, in the best interests of myself and all concerned.

And then to move to the next phase, where life can grow again, in harmony with all those around me.

I won’t compete with time
But release from psycho time
Choose to live in real time

Every day is a good day
I live every five minutes
With a beginner’s mind

Photograph: The Beethoven Frieze by Gustav Klimt

63 days to go...

I received a new notebook computer today to replace the one that has served me well over the past nine months but developed problems recently with its cooling fan. Getting a new computer is a major event in my life.

Of course the replacement took a lot of time, first to back up and transfer files, then to dispose properly of the information on the hard disk of the old computer and see to it that the hard disk is wiped and reformatted, and finally to set up the new computer with the necessary programs and settings.

I was lucky that I could complete most of the work between 9 am and 3 pm today. This would not have been possible without the kind and helpful support of my IT colleagues in the office.

So this is my first post from the new computer. I made sure to pay my respects to the old one before I gave it away, because it has supported me faithfully and it has witnessed my first steps as a writer since May this year.

Meanwhile, Manila is in the throws of Christmas. Throngs of people are still converging on crowded malls to finish their gift shopping for numerous relatives, friends and acquaintances. And the traffic has not failed to live up to expectations of producing spectacular jams at this time of year.

While spending more time on the road, I was wondering where the people in the cars around me were heading, and how they would spend their Christmas. Most people I know here will celebrate Christmas in their family circle. Some will be less lucky not to have their family around, while at least one person I know intends to get away from family tradition and create an alternative Christmas experience.

I will be spending this Christmas at home with my young daughter. That’s a first-time experience for the two of us, and a great opportunity for quality time and bonding. We are already preparing our program for the day, which will include creative activities like each making a collage and writing a story on what Christmas means to us. Of course there are gifts to be exchanged from under the tree, and carols to be sung, probably on the Magic Sing videoke player (a microphone with built-in karaoke that is connected directly to the TV).

Dinner plans are in the making, with my daughter in charge of mixing and matching the design for a three-course meal. We will then ask our helpers to weave some magic to create the meal, after reviewing the feasibility of our choices. Ironically, we will get a new stove and oven the day after Christmas, which was the earliest it could be delivered when I bought it last week. The old stove has signalled the end of its service and has one memorable event left before parting with us.

I celebrated today’s events, including the new computer, plans for Christmas, a nice Korean dinner, and yet another visit to the bookshop, which is now my daughter’s favorite place in the mall. To my surprise I found a beautiful and voluminous coffee table book on Gustav Klimt’s work for an unlikely low price. It now adorns my work table.

However, the best thing today happened to me before all of this. Early morning I read what a friend had sent me through email. He shared a koan that had been entrusted to him by his Zen teacher years ago: 'Everyday is a good day'. He still ponders on it almost every day. It struck a deep chord in me. How precious and true it is.

Photograph: Singapore sky, June 2006

64 days to go...

Today was unsettling to me, like things were not going well. I felt like I was continuously at a halfway point of achieving anything, never reaching the finish line. But when I recollected my activities of the day, they seemed fine. Why did I have this disconnect between feeling and reality? Was it a trick of the mind?

Here are some of the nice things I did today:

Gave Christmas presents to my colleagues and had a nice chat with several of them. Received several nice Christmas gifts from colleagues. Collected my favorite red Alain Mikli reading glasses from the optician with new lenses that were prescribed by my ophthalmologist yesterday. Withdrew money from my bank account to pay Christmas bonuses to my helpers.

Had my computer checked (the fan makes too much noise) by a hardware expert in my office and made an arrangement for replacing the computer tomorrow morning. Developed a work schedule for completing my research thesis within 15 months. Received advice from a friend about electric guitars and amplifiers. Looked at several guitar and amplifier models in 3 different music stores. Received a short but nice message from my daughter in Thailand.

Received two books unexpectedly, one on sustainable development and the other on the role of public administration in building a harmonious society. Browsed some nice art books in two bookshops. Bought a handbag and several videoke CDs for my daughter. Enjoyed a nice caesar salad for dinner followed by a double espresso. Backed up computer files to my external hard disk in preparation for the replacement tomorrow. Made a program with my daughter for Christmas day. Checked out the U Coach website on the internet.

There were also several things I missed out on:

Working on my thesis, although I had several good ideas for it. Writing two pages for a colleague on an urgent work topic. Skyping with a colleague in the UK about work (I also missed it yesterday). Physiotherapy, as my therapist and I were both delayed because of heavy Christmas traffic. Starting to declutter my house. Making a photo CD for my parents. Making music.

It wasn’t a bad day at all. Although I could not complete everything I set out to do, I enjoyed many nice things, and when I reflected on these, a sense of satisfaction grew right away into my present moment. Don’t get too easily swayed by feelings, was my conclusion.

Photograph: Singapore street poster.

65 days to go...

I didn't know much about Gustav Klimt until I started reading a miniature art book about him yesterday evening.

Today I finished the book, and I also read some websites about him. I found him to be a fascinating artist, and I wondered what I could learn from his experience.

He produced 220 pieces of art, as far as is known. Many of them were commissioned portraits of women, which is how he earned his keep. While he was a popular portraitist, on average he only completed one portrait per year.

He remained a bachelor all his life. Christopher Wynne wrote that Klimt’s burley physique, unkempt appearance, and brusque manner concealed his agile mind and sensitive nature. But 15 people came forward after his death, claiming to be his natural children, presumably from the numerous affairs he was rumored to have had, including with patrons and other women who had posed for him.

He pleased his clients in the early part of his career, but later painted only to his own standards. He started a new art group, the Secessionists, but later withdrew from it. He changed style several times during his lifetime. Controversy was no stranger to him. Three things inspired me from reading the accounts of his life, and from viewing his art.

First, he spent a good amount of time on each work of art he made. It had his total dedication when he drew and painted. Asked about himself, he told people that he did not have the gifts of speaking or writing, and that they should look carefully at his pictures and try and see in them what he was and what he wanted to do.

Visual art was his passion, and he gave it his time and attention. In contrast, the quality of my life seems colored by the quantity of tasks I have set out to do. I want to focus on less, give it more time, and put my heart totally into what I do.

Second, his art transcended what seemed like a strong duality in his life. On one hand, he was reserved and solitary throughout his life, single-mindedly engaged in his art, and he participated in society only when he chose to. On the other hand, he never seemed lost for the companionship of women and of nature. He enjoyed both intensely, to the extent that he could see them through different eyes than many other people.

And that is what he expressed in his art, with great passion, confidence, and precision. His example encourages me to delve deeper into my own two passions, writing and music, and to use them as media to express my own experience and vision of life. I will continue on that path.




















Third, he adapted his art to his vision, changed style several times, yet never compromised on his own form. What a journey of discovery he went through. His early landscapes are totally different from the ones he painted at the end of his life. The style of his portraits also changed dramatically over time.

His themes and expression evolved, yet whatever style he used, he made it his own entirely. At all times, he was true to his own form. A part of my rebirth at 50 is the discovery of my own form and unique vision, and the need for commitment and discipline to stay true to myself on my journey.


Photograph: Gustav Klimt in 1902 (above), and his Woman with Fan (below), a finished painting found on an easel in his studio after his death in 1918.

66 days to go...

“Scandalous, obscene and pornographic” was how one contemporary critic described the work of the celebrated painter of women Gustav Klimt (1862-1918). Although his depictions of the femme fatale and his sexually explicit drawings have secured Klimt a place in the history of erotic art, the most famous works by this Austrian artist are his portraits and the sensual paintings of his “golden period”.

From Gustav Klimt, by Christopher Wynne, Prestel Verlag, Munich, 2004.

I wonder if the dominant religions of the world will ever recognize that there is no human energy in this world that does not derive from sexual energy. All growth is based on sex and creation. It is the most beautiful and powerful thing we humans have to celebrate. It drives our creativity and connections, our love and our will to live.

Yet the only traditions I know that haven’t found it necessary to condemn sexuality are Tantra, Tao, Zen, and various tribal cultures around the globe. Although common sense can, of course, be found anywhere in this world. A friend told me that his father in the West still looked admiringly at women in his eighties, and said “when you stop looking is when you die”.

A few years ago, I was lucky to be introduced to the Tao teachings of circulating and storing Chi energy in the body. It is a natural and practical way of using energy to infuse all other organs and parts of the body, right up to brilliant spiritual awareness.

Tao has a remarkable teaching that at the time of death, our spiritual body should be able to shoot up like a space shuttle. But it needs booster rockets to do so. If we learn to manage our energy and conserve our life essence, we can be prepared for this, and enjoy life better too.

Across the Himalayas, that dangerous man from India, Osho, called for a new generation of human beings to combine the qualities of Zorba the Greek and Gautama the Buddha. He referred to this breed as Zorba the Buddha. The West, he said, had become too material, and the East too spiritual, and both had missed the boat.

Tao teaches that sexual energy is neither good nor bad. It’s just our most powerful energy. What we do with it is up to us.

No journey to rebirth at 50 can be complete without coming to terms with this energy, and how to use it to fuel a healthy, happy, and spiritual life for the years to come.

In this respect, I love and respect the way of Tao and happily forget about religion.

Photograph: The Kiss, by Gustav Klimt.

67 days to go...

I admit that I have never been a great fan of Christmas. And it is coming closer again, inescapably, with just seven days to go.

I prefer life celebrations that are more spontaneous, creative, less event-driven, and not so focused on material gifts. I love sharing things that are positive, any day.

So what did I do tonight? I spent lots of time buying presents for those close to me, at least those that are live in physical proximity.

Then more hours waiting for the presents to be wrapped by the helpful but overworked staff of the shop where I purchased them.

And I was happy to do it. Even if I could think of better ways of celebrating life, I realized that Christmas is what you make of it.

We can choose any event to remind us of the life, love, and light that is ours to enjoy. I chose Christmas today.

Photograph: Beautiful for Christmas: PowerPlant Mall in Rockwell.

68 days to go...

Today I had a green perspective. I saw life through the prism of a bowl of spinach soup. Not just my life, but the brew I need for a healthy life, for my rebirth at 50. The quest for finding a potent mix of ingredients for a healthy and happy life. A bit of green alchemy! Popeye revisited, and a lot more brainy.

Life has actually become a lot more healthy for those who have paid attention how to live well. In my journey of 83 days, I haven’t reflected on aging yet. The fact is, it hasn’t forced itself on me as a major issue. For sure, I am aging, and my body is not working in the same way as it used to 20 or even 10 years ago. But mostly, I have been preoccupied with the psychological side of growing older rather than with physical aging.

This is not surprising. My Baby Boomer generation has changed the definition of what we refer to as old age. E.J. Mundell, reporter for HealthDay, wrote on August 30, 2006 that “for many, 60 is not only the new 50 – it’s the new 45.” He described the life of Olga Bloom who retired from a career as violinist at 57, only to start a new life as founder of Barge Music, creating a floating concert hall in New York’s East River which she still runs today, thirty years later.

Bloom’s story is consistent with what Deepak Chopra has called a resetting of our biostat by up to 15 years younger (in Grow Younger, Live Longer – Ten Steps to Reverse Aging).

Mundell reported that “many older people are choosing to embark, as Bloom did, on second careers in a field they love.” For a growing number of people, he remarked, "a 60th birthday marks a new beginning -- not the beginning of the end." And about Bloom, he wrote that it's all about giving back. “Generosity is necessary”, he quotes her, “You have to give yourself to others, in whatever capacity you can."

We live in a remarkable time when more life is being discovered and lived, at riper age. Physically, the possibilities have improved. And in this age of reawakening, aptly referred to as the New Age, people around the world have discovered that a new mindset, supported by a healthy body, can go a long way to create a better second half of our lives.

I suppose it’s normal for people at my age to start paying attention to the topic of aging, and to listen in to any good news about aging and life beyond retirement. I am no different than others. But I have a wish to celebrate where I am, and to be proactive about creating the next phase of my life. With the help of a little green alchemy, and lots of positive inspiration.

Photograph: Spinach soup at Trio Restaurant, Manila.

69 days to go...

Hmm, 69... an idea that doesn't fail to excite me.

Fourteen days have passed since I started counting down in my journey of rebirth. All were good, and some days were better lived than others.

Today I had no particular theme in mind. I floated.

I had a great time with my daughter, shopping groceries first, and later watching the movie Happy Feet about an unusual penguin who changed life in his Antarctic community.

We also went twice to our favorite bookshop, Fully Booked, on her request, before and after the movie. That made me happy. I love it when people love books. I guess it’s because books stretch your mind, broaden your horizon, and remind you how beautiful life is.

Visiting a bookshop is a wholesome thing to do for me. I’m glad my daughter likes it too. What surprised me today is the long time she took to select a book. She really loved browsing, and came up with quite a few books that I thought were still too difficult for her. She also showed me an entire section of Roald Dahl’s books, which she loves.

In the end, after almost an hour, we came out with a book for her age that she was happy to get, My Secret Unicorn - The Magic Spell. I let her pay for it at the cashier. And for me, I was aware of the need to be patient, knowing how important it was to her to take time, and I enjoyed the experience.

I saw something funny in the bookshop. The best book I know on dealing with procrastination, Eat the Frog by Brian Tracy, stood on the children’s shelf for intermediate readers. The title makes it sound like a children’s book, but it is really for grown-ups. Come to think of it, my daughter has little problem with tasks that she considers important. She is totally focused on what she does, very much “in the moment” like children of her age do naturally.

Also today, I started to get an itch to my declutter books, clothes, and old papers at home. Year-end is a good time for decluttering life and possesions. I’ll take some time daily to do this. And I will use the opportunity to regroup my books by subject. My house helpers group them by size, with I have endured over the years with frustration and a smile.

After the day’s sojourn, I feel good to get back to my trusted keyboard to write. Actually, my notebook computer is groaning, the fan is continuously and noisily blowing hot air, as if I am causing it to overheat. I will get it checked on Monday. I have already backed up my files to an external hard disk just in case.

As for me, I’m cool, not hot. Years of living in Thailand have taught me the value of Jai Yen, of displaying a cool heart. It is not about being cold, but about staying cool and composed when emotions rise.

I liked today. I value being “cool” yet from a warm heart with care and love, and I learned about the importance of having happy feet.

Photograph: happy feet.

70 days to go...

Okay, I admit it. I am a champion procrastinator. I am an expert in putting things off to do later. And this often means that I never get around to doing it, or only when the pressure gets unbearably high.

I see this as one of my biggest stumbling blocks to move forward with my life. It’s a weakness I have to deal with, a self-created obstacle. I want to come to the point where I enjoy tackling a task head on, and right away.

The Eat the Frog book by Brian Tracy (see my Dao and Wine blog) has taught me helpful lessons about prioritization. I have endless to do lists, but often the majority of listed tasks doesn’t get done. I enjoy writing them, but I don’t get around to doing them. I know this is partly because I enjoy thinking and conceptualizing. But I have no wish to analyze the problem further now. I just want to get on with tasks and results in what’s important for my life.

Today I got cracking on the financial side. I have decided to revamp my finances, and set up new accounts for savings and investments, with another bank. I was browsing in the bookshop today, and came across the works of David Bach. I bought one of his books to work with: The Finish Rich Workbook. That's what I need is work, no more theories, but work.

I found that Bach offers some good advice. First, he says that when we receive income, we should pay ourselves first, before paying anyone else or any utility. What he means is that we should save and invest before we do anything else. And his second point is that if we don’t turn this into an automatic payment, we’re setting ourselves up for missing the boat altogether. Pay yourself first, David Bach says, and set up an automatic scheme to make it happen.

This advice is now engraved in my mind, and I will do it. I didn't put it on my to-do list and I won't, but I’ll follow his advice anyway. I have decided that I want to see my money grow in stead of flying out of doors and windows. I will take David Bach’s advice on how to do it. Cultivating my finances is a critical part of my preparation for rebirth at 50.

Photograph: David Bach’s book.

71 days to go...

As the year draws to a close, the question comes up for me: shall I, or shall I not? I’m talking about making resolutions for the new year 2007.

I talked about it to some people today, including my physiotherapist Lucy. Most people seem to think that new year resolutions will not get done, so there’s probably little point in doing them. I am sure most of the people saying so have done it many times, but found it difficult to follow through.

I think they are right. It is difficult. But should we give up on the resolutions? Tessa Souter’s book (see yesterday’s post) demonstrates that there are many people who don’t give up on their dreams, even though they went through hard times to make them happen. What struck me in the examples she mentioned (and I only got as far as the third chapter so far), is that all these people could not do it by themselves. They tapped into support. They cried on the shoulders of friends after crashing in on theem at some unexpected hour. They asked, and received, advice. They also benefited a lot from support in many forms.

So what I thought is this. To make our dreams come true, we really need help. Without resolutions, we will certainly not achieve our dreams. And many people give up, often because people close to them give them comments that they experience as discouraging. Tessa mentions many artists who dropped off the bandwagon, and not a small number who took their own lives.

But look at the other side. Over the past few decades, people seem to have become much more clever in using their networks of friends and acquaintances to support their art, their dreams, and their life changes. All sorts of connectivity is now available and it is better used. A new phenomenon in this is the life coach. Tessa mentions several life coaches in her book. They are people you can consult to help you map out the next steps on your path to realize your dreams. And to muster the commitment and courage to take these steps. Even to dust off dreams long forgotten and think about life changes to make them come true after all.

I am actually interested in this idea of life coaching, and I bought four books about it from Amazon last month. In the coming weeks, I am going to review my experience in 2006, and make plans for the next year. This year it is even more special of course, with only 71 days to go to reaching my half century in February. So I will make new year resolutions for 2007, and resolutions for the next phase of my life. To help me in this process, I am going to apply life coaching lessons to myself first. Hopefully, I could help some other people later on. I'm also happy to say that I asked many people for advice this year about the course of my life. It's good to be more connected about such important things. Getting advice and encouragement is priceless.

After I shared some thoughts about Tessa Souter’s book with my physiotherapist Lucy today, she confided that she has a few dreams to dust off, and she’s now thinking of acting on them before year’s end.

Photograph: Art work in Bangkok's Intercontinental Hotel, 19th floor.

72 days to go...

Today was rough. I received several negative messages from somebody in pain. It is difficult to avoid that energy entering my system. My vision is to respect it, and then let it wash off like from a tefal pan. Don’t let it stick. Move forward with positive energy.

I was inspired by a book called Anything I Can Do… You Can Do Better by Tessa Souter. Tessa is a jazz singer, international journalist, and writer and was a single mother in her teens. A remarkable story of turning dreams into reality, with many bumps on the way.

Another positive experience was to watch my daughter act as a Wannapeepee in the Christmas production The Peace Child tonight. The music, colors, singing, and performances were wonderful and inspiring.

Souter’s book showed me how brilliant life is, and that we all get bruises along the way, and that these are very much a part of the course. We need to be patient yet persistent. We face constant choices every day how to respond, and what decisions to take for our journey.

When I joined Jim Paredes’ workshop on Tapping the Creative Universe, now three years ago, one of our assignments was to write an essay about I Am Great.

I looked it up tonight, and one of the things I wrote was: Although I have a negative tendency to find fault and am good in imagining “everything that could go wrong”, I am great because I am at heart a positive-minded person who likes to create good and beautiful moments and make the people around me happy.

That still holds true. I learn from encountering negativity and difficulty in life, and I like to transform it into positive energy and move on. I have learned the secret of being happy without reason.

Photograph: Tessa Souter's book.

73 days to go...

I didn’t find the Treasure yet. I have been trying in the past few days to uncover who I am, by peeling off petals of my identity.

So far, I have described lots of things I am not. I am struggling to keep this an honest search. I’m finding it rather too easy to just keep writing about things that matter to my public and private identity, but which are not me. There are many. It is true that they are not me.

So the question remains, who am I? My identity feels like I am wearing a garment woven with strands of different materials. It’s beautiful, and it suggests that the inside is even more so. But it is a cover. I need to continue and go undercover to find out.

This evening I felt that I found an answer to my quest. What struck a cord in me is that I am a spirit. I am an eternal soul, full of energy. The soul is living in an impermanent package. Am I stating the obvious? Do I need to go deeper? My soul has no name, and no time. It has no conditions, no likes and dislikes. But it wants to reach out, connect, and share its energy, for good. It is like a huge shining sun, although its rays don’t burn anything or anyone.

I know I can turn inward at anytime and connect with this soul, and bask in its rays. There is no need to search because it lives inside me, and I can tap into it whenever I allow myself. It feels like entering a state of being, of experiencing no-thing. There is nothing like it for me.


Photograph: I think of my soul like this card, Beyond illusion, from the Osho Zen Tarot deck.

74 days to go...

I continue my Treasure Hunt, peeling petals off me, hoping to find who I am. Yesterday I left off reflecting how “religious” education has affected my core beliefs.

After leaving the Netherlands in 1985, I settled in Sri Lanka. It was there, while visiting the ancient city of Anuradhapura, that I was first touched by the Buddhist way of life. I remember sitting on the upstairs verandah of the old Tissawewa guesthouse and reading a book about Buddhism, when I got talking with a Buddhist couple there who explained about it. After that, I became more and more interested in the “Middle Way” shown by the Buddha.

But it was not until I had lived in Thailand for some years that I adopted the Buddhist tradition into my life and, by way of confirmation, entered into the monkhood for a while prior to marriage. Through this tradition, I learned to see what is real, and what is illusion. I learned that desire and attachment cause rebirth in an endless samsara cycle of existence. I gained some insight into Dharma, “the true nature of things”. It touched me profoundly, and I considered myself lucky to have this experience.

Still later, as I continued my spiritual search, I came under the influence of Tao, followed by Zen. What I learned in these traditions fitted like a house on my Buddhist foundation. I was not surprised to read Osho’s words that Tao and Zen represent the pinnacle of human “religious” perception.

Eventually, I came to realize that everything of intrinsic value is already present inside me, and that I can tap into it anytime. That experience was similar to what the shepherd boy experienced in Paulo Coelho’s famous novel The Alchemist. After a long journey, the shepherd boy found the treasure in the very home he had left in search for the Truth.

I think I have now come to the pinnacle of my “religious” pursuit. I don’t have to look any further. My house has been built with a potent mix of Buddhism, Tao, and Zen, and I can’t think of anything better. I found that the Truth is here and now, inside me, and in the Universe around me. It fits me naturally, and leaves my soul to resonate with what Osho calls being Zorba the Buddha. Being all at once totally spiritual and totally in this world. Now I walk my path with this guidance. All by myself.

How then should I answer the question who am I in regard to religious tradition and belief? Am I a Buddhist, a Taoist, a Zen practitioner? I respond wholeheartedly that I live in that house, but the house is not me. A Buddhist is not who I am. And the same goes for Tao and Zen. I am at home in these traditions. But they are not who I am.

I will continue my search tomorrow.

Photograph: I like to write at my poolside.