82 days to go...

I am going through a period when things go topsy-turvy. My life is not all easy now. My mind can accept that, because I understand the concept of living through fat and lean years. I know about the long dark night of the soul that precedes rebirth at dawn. I realize that being reborn is a painful process, much like physical birth as a baby. My soul is twisting and turning from inside, and I get stretched in many directions. With all the understandings I have gained, life hasn’t become easier to deal with.

Being born is as painful for what you leave behind, as for the uncertainty of what lies ahead. I entered the world naked, without protection. I left a physical womb and entered a nurturing environment at home, where I learned step by step to find my way as I grew.

Forty nine years onward, I find that the process of my soul’s rebirth is both similar and different. Life as I knew it in the past years does not fit me anymore. Yet it is painful to leave the familiar behind and move forward into the unknown. Most of all, what seems different is that there is no safe environment waiting for me like there was after birth. I am truly standing on my own feet now.

In the past years, I discovered that late nights and early mornings are great times for communing with my soul. After the bustle of the day had calmed down, I could relax my mind and body, turn my attention inward and listen to my inner voice. I could also let go of negative emotions, which is important before sleeping.

And in the quiet of early morning, I could tap into the freshness of a new day. I felt reminded that life is good, that rejuvenation was at my fingertips, and that I did not have to relive my yesterdays.

These days, my world has turned upside down. I feel vulnerable late at night and early morning. At night, a sensation of gloom can beset me. Sometimes it feels like staring over the edge of a cliff and sensing the depths of despair below. I never experienced that before. At these times, I sense the possibility of unfulfilled dreams, of failure, of mortality, like dried-up flowers and snapped-off trees. Sleep becomes a retreat into a cocoon of safety.

At dawn, I have more difficulty with getting up early to enjoy the freshness of the morning. When I do, it never fails me though. But it takes me a bit longer these days, sometimes an hour or more, to tap into that wonderful energy of the early morning. And, for many days in the past months, the mornings passed without my participation. Just a rush of getting up and to work.

I have often looked at the Fool card of the tarot deck, and wondered what it shows. Surely it is foolishness to step over the edge of a cliff? What happens when we leave the world as we know it behind, and let go of our support systems? Doesn't certain death wait for us below, after a short and agonizing fall? Or is there more to it? Is there a paradigm shift, a passage to develop a new kind of trust, and to enter a new realm?

I sometimes wonder how Jesus felt when he left for the desert. And how Siddhartha felt when he left his wife and baby and walked out of the palace in the early hours before dawn? We know the outcome of their life stories, but for them these must have been terrifying moments.

In my case, I realize that most of the insurance policies for life I bought earlier have now expired. They no longer support me like they used to, and some have unexpectedly disappeared altogether. I feel vulnerable. I know that there are cliffs ahead to mind about. Yet amid the challenges, I also know that there are doors ahead that will open for me when I have the right key and the correct password. That is the passage I am heading for.

Jesus and Siddartha knew about a much bigger support system, as did Lao Tze, Dogen, and other sages through time, including Jung. Also Osho, who has been called one of the most dangerous minds of the 20th century because he questioned so many answers. Over the past few years, I was given some keys for doors on my path, by two teachers. One is Mantak Chia, the Tao master residing in Tao Garden in Northern Thailand, and the other is Jim Paredes, a visionary artist from the Philippines, who helps people tap the creative universe.

I know that the larger support system is there for all people, regardless of what religion or tradition they have been raised into. But we need different eyes to see it, we need a process of transformation, of alchemy. Once our eyes are open to it, we can give it our trust, and enroll to become warriors of light, in the words of Paulo Coelho, or start training as wizards, in Deepak Chopra’s words. The support system has many names, yet is beyond all names given to it. I simply call it the Universe.

Today I see my challenge as letting go of my past supports, and to put my trust in the Universe as my support system. To walk my path knowing that I am switched on and connected, just like everyone else can be. I also realize that walking that path is a choice, which I need to make every day, especially in the early morning and late at night.


Photograph: Trust, from Osho Zen Tarot